Why Now?

There will never be a better time than the present… So they say.

It has taken me years and I mean years to get out of my own head, forget about what other people will say or think, and to do what scares me the most. The winter is over and the new spring season has encouraged me to do things differently.

I know without an inch of doubt that I am not alone when it comes to those awkward social moments when you have to put aside who you truly are to show and prove that you are truly "one of the girls".  The Nodding and smiling while “peers” gossip and back-bite others that trust them.  Choking down what appears as food, but you can sense what it is in the spirit;  getting the chilly stares from those that secretly want to erase you, but want to keep me around just in case.  Inwardly recoiling from their hugs, and hollow words, while pretending I can't discern their deception.  

The sharp words slipping through grins as a ‘joke’, side-talking me to let me know I shouldn't think of myself as special, while I watch them attempt to absorb specific attributes of my life in exchange for their own.

What I consider a basic standard for living is considered an "uppity n*gger", “bougie b*tch”, someone with an attitude problem, stand-offish, arrogant, with need to check myself.  Sitting with my legs crossed and my back straight is an offense to the rest of the room. I  must believe I'm above others.  Eating in restaurants with more than burgers, fries, and shrimp alfredo on the menu is too much.  The unmitigated gall of me to attend a foreign film, or a gallery showing where there's live Jazz played and wine is served is “Doing too much”. 

Here's the key to their lock,  I refuse to apologize for how I am designed.  If my back is not bent and my eyes to the ground, complaining about the ilks of life without solutions, I'm not “being real".   They have yet to show me the Law of the LORD that says that poverty is a flex, or enjoying a day or evening with like-minded people sharing a bottle of good wine (without drunkenness) is a first-class ticket to hell.  

I cannot and will not sit on my hands, waiting on the LORD until He returns when He said to occupy (Luke 19:13) and have life abundantly (John 10:10).  As long as I am not in violation of His laws and statues, loving my neighbor as I love myself, NEVER to blaspheme His Holy Spirit that leads me and guides me unto all truth AND seals me until that final day of redemption, what exactly is their quiver with me?

However, I will admit it is my fault having the audacity to reach into the barrel only to be bitten.  I made the mistake of believing my own would love me that much more if I wanted and did a little better than where we all came from. I hoped that they would encourage my endeavors while embarking on their own.

What I got was worse than lemon juice on a paper cut.  What was once my circle, wanted me to climb down from my high horse, get rid of my champagne standards and face the reality of my beer budget existence like the rest of them.  One lost soul said to me but pretended as though she was talking about someone else, that, "God don't like ugly and He ain't too crazy about cute either" or something foolish like that. 

It was clear that night that whatever was stuck in her craw concerning my presence, did not get her vote. The best she could conjure was to  talk out of the side of her mouth and  hope it'll go unnoticed by me.  

What I will never understand is if she had a personal problem with me, she had the perfect opportunity right then and there to state her case.  It was just her and I walking home that night and we could have reasoned together, handled it woman to woman, but she had to make the first move. Unfortunately, she chose a lower road and tried to pull me down to where she was that night to make me feel the way she did.

I didn't respond. I shook my head and went on into my apartment building. I knew at that moment that I must  keep my distance.  It's never a good day when you discover the souls you just can't trust and that night was my turn. Misery truly loves company but I can't be its willing companion.

Some just don't want change and they will lose their marbles when others do. It requires a good long look in the mirror, some therapy, forgiveness of yourself and others, and hard work that will be painful at times.  It's too easy to conform to living from hand to mouth, at the mercy of entities, governments, organizations and the like that profit mightily from our dysfunctions.

I lived that same way to keep the peace with my fellow man for the better part of my adult life.  I wanted their friendship and validation.  I hated being accused of “forgetting where I came from”, or the one I hated most, “Acting White” 

Since when does wanting better for me and mine “acting white'? Why do I have to live the life of a beggar or a meaningless hump under an invisible thumb to prove my solidarity to my people? I'd rather swim in an unflushed toilet.

This crooked thinking caused me to split right down the middle of my being trying to maintain what I didn't want. I was torn between doing what everyone else wanted me to do, craving what was on the other side. It made me physically sick.  I robbed myself of much-needed peace by ignoring the repeated echo I heard day in and day out, "Come out from among them and be ye separate."  

The Bible says, “The fear of man will prove to be a snare” (Proverbs 29:25) I'd be a fool and would deserve whatever consequence waited for me if I continued to ignore what I knew to be right because I wanted to be liked. Sis, Leave 'em where you found ‘em. You can't force better on those who don't want it. 

CHEERS!!